I live in Monroe. It is a city proud to be the place Custer grew up. Recently, the large statue of him on a horse was restored and this wild scenario played out in my head:

As a result of the statue being polished and cleaned, the citizen of Monroe Michigan felt a sudden surge of pride swell up in their hearts for their beloved hero, General George Custer. A group of little old ladies from the Monroe County Historical Society started up a movement to set aside the day of Custer's birth as a holiday in the city. The proposal for General George Custer Day was born. The locals embraced this idea. The city council decided to consider the motion at the next meeting.

The Monroe Evening News published the story of how the little old ladies had garnered so much support quickly and how the motion was sure to pass.

The story was quickly picked up by bigger news agencies. It was the kind of quirky little tidbit that ran right before the news anchors signed off. Small city wants to celebrate beloved local war hero with his own holiday. The story caught on like wildfire.

It didn't take long for all hell to break loose.

See, the people in Monroe loved Custer dearly but there was one massive problem that they refused to accept.

General George Custer was kind of an asshole.

He was known for needless massacre, killing helpless Indian women and children in spite of their surrender. Rape was an option George Custer exercised on women he didn't cowardly murder.

You almost can't blame the Indians for puncturing his eardrums and ramming an arrow up his urethra after he died, can you?

In response to the now far reaching news that the city council of Monroe Michigan was about to honor Custer with an annual holiday in his honor, bad things started happening in town.

The first thing happened overnight and no one knew who had done it. Someone with a ladder had vandalized the just restored statue of Custer. They had spray painted the testicles of the horse he was riding on neon pink. On the base of the statue, also in neon pink, the culprit wrote, "THE HORSE HAS BIGGER BALLS THAN CUSTER!". While this seems to be an obvious biological fact, perhaps the fear of being caught muddled the judgement of the spray painter.

Encouraged by the intial act of vandalism on the statue, others joined in on the fun. They defaced brick buildings with graffiti that said "NOT MY GENERAL!" and "GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!".

The worst though, was the sudden appearance of Native American protesters. They came all at once and without warning at dawn, in an effort obviously coordinated. They were PISSED and wanted everyone in the little city of Monroe to know.

With banners, hand painted signs and bull horns, the Indians and their supporters descended upon St. Mary's park. In matching shirts that read "CUSTER IS NO HERO!", they came for war and brought their drums to prove it.

Ridiculous and obvious rhyming chants from the anti-Custer protest rang out for a couple of days, from dawn to dusk. Things like "Custer was a bad man! None of us are a fan!" and "Listen to what we say! Give him no holiday!". Monroe residents complained that the outsiders "had no damn respect for history".

Once again excited for something more than a bike theft to report on, the Monroe Evening News covered the story. The coverage portrayed the demonstrators as "godless savages". The politically incorrect and racist use of the word garnered regional media attention. The protest against General George Custer Day was seen by many, including a group of Civil War reenactors.

They had already scheduled a meeting for the next day before hearing about the protest. They met around a massive bonfire, a little to talk about future wars to pretend they fought but mostly just to drink whisky. Someone jokingly brought up the idea of protesting the protest after a few pulls on the bottle. No one laughed at the joke but instead furtively looked at the man that liked to dress up as General George Custer. He had said nothing all night and for a few moments after this idea was said, he continued to silently stare into the flames.

Suddenly fake Custer jumped straight up and declared, "There are not enough Indians IN THE WORLD to defeat the seventh cavalry! Men! Tomorrow we ride for Monroe!"

True to his word, a bevy of Civil War reenactors showed up in Monroe the next day. It wasn't until two in the afternoon because they were wildly hungover after celebrating their decision to protest the protest but they made it.

The reenactors looked sharp their wool uniforms with not a thread out of place. An eager teen that they had decided was too young to reenact was given the privilege of being a drummer boy. He started banging away as soon as they got their until a very hungover soldier broke his drumsticks and threw them in the Raisin River.

All of the men with pounding heads were grateful they had told their bugle boy to join them the following day.

The Indian's reaction the new protest across street was immediate. Chants broke down and became insults hurled at the pretend soldiers. The reenactors yelled right back at the Indians with gusto. Fake Custer seemed to be their favorite target, which was understandable. He stared at them, never looking away.

The police were called by the Indians because the reenactors were not respecting the fact that they were there first. When they arrived on the scene, the officers seized the guns and cannons of the soldiers. They argued that they needed them for their overall look but the police didn't want to see a second River Raisin Massacre.

Mayor Robert E. Clark secretely fled that day for some "scheduled personal time". The thought of any additional conflict made him feel like a trip to Aruba with his promiscuous young secretary was in order.

The sides hurled insults at each other throughout the day. At nightfall, it seemed like a game of chicken to see which side would quit first. Both sides continued to yell at each other and in the end, neither side went home at all. They just stayed and screamed other all night.

It went on like this in Monroe Michigan for many days and many nights. People flocked to the city to take part in the civil unrest.

Opportunistic entrepreneurs moved in, selling silk screened T shirts supporting either side. For a mere five dollars, anyone could get a shirt and join the cause. Bumper stickers, buttons and fake George Custer mustaches were also available. Bottles of water and soda sold at extreme mark ups and kids ran around collecting discarded Michigan dimes.

National media came to cover the story that all started with some routine maintenance on a statue. The stories started with a small group of Indians chanting to two different groups yelling at each other and got to the point of arrests being made for assault. Fist fights were happening frequently. Images of a woman bleeding profusely at her scalp line lead to speculation that she was the victim of an attempted scalping. A reenactor had smuggled in a bayonet blade and shanked an Indian protester. Blood was being spilled over the proposed General George Custer Day. Ucenter Dress adorable prom wears designed for little girl

Rage was at an absolute boiling point and by the seventh day, the citizens of Monroe were afraid to be in their own city.

On the last day of protesting, the violence reached a dangerous point. The reenactors decided they were going to charge the Indians. Battle plans were drawn out on the back of Subway paper leftover from the drummer boy's lunch. When fake Custer was shown his position, he didn't look at the plans. He didn't acknowledge what he was told. He just stared at the Indian protesters. The soldiers were used to him staring off blankly but they needed him this time. Nervously, they decided to go ahead with their blindside.

The soldiers adjusted their uniforms. Fake Custer stared across the road. The reenactors took their positions. Fake Custer saw a small Indian boy playing with a large playground ball. The bugle boy raised his horn. Fake Custer saw the ball roll in the street and the little boy run out after it.

Fake Custer heard a woman's high pitched scream and saw
a Lake Erie Transit bus headed towards the vulnerable young boy in the busy street.

Without concern for his own personal safety or thought that he was saving an Indian, Fake Custer rushed into the street to rescue to young boy.

The crowds on both sides watched, gasping, as he ran to the child. The brakes of the bus screeched as Fake Custer quickly bent down to grab the boy up. He cradled the child instinctively, turned his back to screaming sound of the bus sliding towards him and waited for it to hit him.
But it never did.

To the sound of cheers and applause, Fake Custer carried the young boy to the statue side of the road. He set the child down and a grateful Indian mother ran up crying. She kissed his cheeks over and over. The Indian protesters surrounded Fake Custer, shaking his hand and hugging him.

The Civil War reenactors crossed the road to join their friend. They commended him for his bravery and courage. Both the Indians and the Soldiers apologized to each other for how out of hand things had gotten. They agreed that both sides would leave Monroe, as it was not their city anyways.

The protesters left and Sheriff Dale Malone offered a few days off jail sentences to non-violent inmates who helped clean up all the trash left behind.

Disgusted by what they had seen their city become, both the citizens and city council never again mentioned having a holiday called General George Custer Day.

And the little old ladies of the Monroe County Historical Society were PISSED!